What Lurks Beneath Shell and Scale

Sivaan of Candlekeep

July 9, 2024

An Insight into Being Draconian-Quoiic

These writings were republished from their original upload on Tumblr.com. My alterhuman blog is still available, so if you would like to see some of my other postings there, you can check it out under the Social Media tab of my website's main page!

“Dov wahlaan fah rel. We were made to dominate. The will to power is in our blood. You feel it in yourself, do you not?”

-Paarthurnax, 4E 201

For the longest time, I’ve understood that my draconity could be experienced in a diverse array of ways. It could be fully animalistic, and it could be fully sapient as well. I could experience being in my non-corporeal body in its traditional state as a Gold Dragon, and I could experience being in an anthropomorphic form of this exact kintype as well. The latter of which (anthropomorphism) would often be experienced through my draconic faun kintype.

That was until something else emerged from my draconity, and I think it’s about time that I start talking about it.

It was something a lot more vague and a lot darker than what I already knew.

I am not exactly a Dragonborn when I take on a more anthropomorphic form. In some Dungeons and Dragons texts, this species of mine is considered to be a variant of Dragonborn for Dragonlance campaigns. However, in the canon I come from, we are an independent species in our own right. I wouldn’t say that I fully embody every canonical aspect of my species, either. I exist within a separate canon of the Forgotten Realms, in which only a few elements from the traditional canon blend into this realm of canon divergence. Regardless, I still believe that this facet of my draconity holds great relevance to my inner nature.

So, what is it? Well, I am a Draconian.

I am an Aurak Draconian, to be specific. I deviate from our typical depictions, seeing how I have a thick, heavyset build and wings within this form. I even fold my wings in a similar fashion as Goliath from Disney’s Gargoyles. Much like my form as a Gold Dragon, my scales have a warmer tone than what’s shown in the traditional canon too. With all this in mind, I’m still an Aurak Draconian through and through.

The thing is: I didn’t know how I became an Aurak Draconian. To better familiarize myself with my kind, I pulled information from Fizban’s Treasury of Dragons in order to assess my fellow Draconians. Here is an excerpt from the section in dedication to my species:

“Draconians are bipedal monsters born from dragon eggs that have been corrupted or warped by powerful magic. Most often, this corruption is a deliberate act— the work of an aspiring tyrant seeking to transform stolen eggs into a draconian army…. When draconians die, they do not go quietly. Instead, their lifeless bodies unleash a last act of magical violence,” (WOTC, pg. 176).

To me, this species’s background does not line up with the known aspects of my (spiritual) draconic history. I was never trained to be a soldier, appointed as a high-ranking mage nor do I recall ever being in the realm of Krynn. I suppose it was a relief that Draconians aren’t naturally from Krynn, but that didn’t help much from a general standpoint. Overall, the background of Draconians horrified me as I am what is deemed a “True Dragon”. The eggs of my kind were stolen to create this species of Dragonfolk, and Draconians were conditioned into this role since birth. It’s wretched.

Yet, I also found that I belonged to this species. I have my own theories as to why that is, but I must discuss the most pressing aspect of this circumstance.

I was unsure if my being as a Draconian was voluntary or involuntary in nature, which remains to be the only species of mine in this position. I am predominantly an involuntary alterhuman, yet whether or not I was willfully a Draconian alluded me. Usually, I’d like to fully uncover the mysteries of my identities but I’ve found the openness of this position to be refreshing. Empowering, even!

Discovering @quoiian’s label “Quoiian” solidified these feelings tenfold, but I’m getting ahead of myself. The rest of this post will detail how and why that came to be.

The Dragon, or the Egg?

Explaining Theories on My Draconian Origin

Understanding who you are can be a bit complicated when you don’t know where to start. As mentioned before, I have my own theories on why I am a Draconian. However, none of them are pleasant.

I won’t shy away from this as I firmly believe that all aspects of one’s alterhumanity should be given attention, no matter how unpleasant. As long as one is comfortable with sharing those experiences, I fully encourage it. Otherwise, if one does not feel comfortable sharing said details, then there’s no pressure. Do what you feel is best for you, just don’t insist that others silence themselves for your comfort.

But, I digress. The first of these theories begin with the traditional canon of Draconians: being stolen as an egg. For speculation’s sake, I didn’t completely write off the possibility of being stolen as an egg for the purpose of serving under Queen Takhisis.

However, I was likely recovered at some point. My anthropomorphism is not my natural state as a dragon, not even close. While Aurinax, whom of which I consider to be a spiritual relative, is mostly known for his guardian role, he still maintained magical prowess of his own and was even close friends with a dragon mage (albeit for the wrong reasons). I would not put it past him to use said magic to recover me from my captors but couldn’t fully rid me of the corrupted magic used on me.

The reason why I’m so skeptical about this theory is because I would have no way of knowing any of that. After all, I wouldn’t even be a wyrmling when it would’ve happened. Unless I manage to ask Aurinax during a meditation or a dream journey, if I even come across him in said experience(s), I don’t think there’s enough to solidify this as a reason behind my Draconian quotype.

Moreover, I would not be the only one to emerge from the egg. Several Draconians are usually born from a single corrupted egg, therefore I’d likely have some siblings in tow. Yet, I don’t have any in that realm.

Then, there’s the final nail in the coffin. I can change between forms regardless if my egg was corrupted by dark magic. This trait is within my nature both as a Gold Dragon and as a polymorph. This first theory could have been something worth following, but it doesn’t hold much weight.

My second theory is that I took upon the form of a Draconian because my subconscious manifested this species. While my subconscious as a polymorph may occasionally manifest new species for me to shift into, it does not happen by any personal choice of mine.

The best comparison I can make here, and I say this as someone with OCD, is that it operates similarly to an intrusive thought. The manifestations that are introduced to me are unwarranted. Unlike concepts that are introduced through actual intrusive thoughts, some manifestations might introduce species that are relevant to my alterhumanity; however, that is never a given. I consider my draconic faun kintype, my draquus theriotype and potentially, my Draconian quotype to be extremely rare cases where this has happened.

The reason why I’m skeptical about this theory is because much like an actual intrusive thought, the majority of species manifested by my subconscious are not true to who I am. I cannot control when this happens nor do I feel that any of these species represent my alterhumanity in any way.

Sure, polymorphs will be polymorphs. We will change between forms and adapt into their species as we always do, but there is a difference between a species that I just happen to shift into and a species that is integral to my experience as an alterhuman.

My third theory is that this species exists as a culmination of my frustrations, in regards to both my exotrauma and my physically lived trauma on Earth. I questioned myself incessantly on whether or not this would classify my Draconian quotype as a copinglink instead, but I have found that the ambiguity of its presence would not make it so.

I saved this theory for last because I believe it to be the most accurate of the three, so much so that I will expand upon it in the next section.

Breaking the Shell

Quoiic Draconity as a Vessel for Empowerment

Grief. Rage. Contempt.

Each of these feelings have consumed me at some point within the past several months. Friendships falling apart, two people in my life passing away, and fearing what was to come from my final stretch of college all put me in a dark place. While I am grateful that I still experience plenty wonderful things outside of these hardships, those feelings never truly left me.

There are days where I just want to escape, where I can burst forth from my skin and leave the world behind. During especially difficult times, I want to turn all that stands before me to ash. It is very likely that these specific moments are how my Draconian quotype came to be.

By being a Draconian, I expel the intensity that I feel deep within my draconic nature. This is not just in context to my place as a dragon in Dungeons and Dragons but to all of my draconity. Moreover, I have found that these feelings are also relative to my experiences as an alterhuman of color. Having been brought into this world as a Soulaano (African-American), much of my frustrations cannot be expressed without antiblack societies painting my pain out to be inherently aggressive and a “threat” to their peace. By assuming this form, I take back a lot of the power that is placed over me.

But then, that begs the question: what is power? It is a word that surrounds my species yet feels so foreign to me. Gold Dragons and Aurak Draconians respectively are considered among the most powerful of our kind, but that virtually means nothing to me. Even if I could physically manifest the abilities that I’d have as either of my species, it still wouldn’t matter to me as power is not something that drives me as an individual nor is it something that I typically have in an earthen sense.

If anything, others’ pursuit of it has made my time on Earth a living hell. I am perpetually at risk of racialized violence and subjugation on account of my place in the United States. When the society that I was born into is one built on coloniality and white supremacy, I have no choice but to navigate through this position as someone who is continuously victimized by it. Antiblackness is systemically, socially and culturally interwoven across so many institutions that it is functionally impossible for me to evade this reality. As its contributors and benefactors uphold these structures, they further the practice of holding power over me and others like me.

I know the complexities of race and ethnicity aren’t lived experiences that some folks relate to their alterhumanity or nonhumanity, let alone talk about in our community. However, I know there’s plenty of us who do know where I’m coming from. Most importantly, it is something that is incredibly relevant to all of my experiences.

My alterhumanity, my queerness, my disabilities. All of it.

With that said, one may ask: how does this tie into your Draconian quotype then?

How is it empowering?

I may deviate from the typical canon that’s associated with Draconians, but I feel a familiar kinship with them on account of the mistreatment they are exposed to since birth. I was born into my blackness and have long recognized much of the exploitation, violence and overall abuse that is perpetrated against my community. Similarly, I see this amongst my kind as a Draconian. After all, there aren't any inherent good or evil natures in my canon of Dungeons and Dragons. Alignment systems are utilized amongst Common Races to gauge the gravity of individual actions, but they are not indicative of a being’s nature nor are their usage universal in my canon.

This isn’t the only unique way in which alignment systems are reflected amongst Draconic individuals, either. How alignments may differ in purpose can be read about here from Silver of the Dragonheart Collective’s own perspective. This reference is based on how alignment works in Silver’s canon of Dungeons and Dragons.

The way I see it, we are only seen as inherently evil based on how we’re perceived by two groups: our self-appointed “leaders”, i.e. our oppressors, and those who equivocate my kind to said oppressors. With this considered, I view my species’s position with our draconity in the same way that I do with my blackness: shove it back in the faces of those who subjugate us. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I adhere to no “leader” who takes from my people, exploits them and spills their blood freely. If anything, I am justifiably enraged. I’d scorch these institutions to the ground if I could, and spit in the direction of any who scorn me for it. This is a feeling that burns hard and never dies, born of circumstances beyond my control. To defy these circumstances, I must stand firm on who I am. I must be unapologetic and unrelenting against the infrastructure(s) that damn me and my people, thus it is well within my right to dominate over the will of my oppressors.

I recall the manner in which a Draconian dies: that we do not go quietly, that we unleash an onslaught of magical violence.

This resonated with me above all else, for it reminded me of my own relationship with adversity on Earth. As a member of the black community, there is never a moment in which adversity isn’t at our backs. We are raised in this world with unending exposure to adversity. It is in our streets, our stories, our lives. It is everywhere.

But, we too have never went quietly. We have always made strides in our efforts towards resistance and our pursuit of liberation. That’s when I realized my quoiictype was the link between my earthen trauma and my exotrauma. Being a Draconian is a culmination of my struggles and my frustrations, but also my growth and my persistence.

My power does not come from my breath weapon or magic. It comes from resilience, from my pride in who I am and from my love for my people.

That became the source of my “power”.

That became the basis for my Draconian quoiictype, and that helped channel a lot of pain and anger I’ve felt overtime. A lot of my violent draconic instincts, such as the desire to torch things and to tear into those who oppress me, also pooled into this species of mine.

It was empowering to reclaim myself. It’s already great to embrace a newly discovered species within my alterhumanity, but it’s something else entirely to embrace the harrowing and intense facets within alterhuman identity that’s often neglected. It feels complete.

Where there is grief, there is peace.

Where there is rage, there is calm.

Where there is contempt, there is love.

Each set a balance to one another. Regardless if my being as an Aurak Draconian existed voluntarily or involuntarily, I know it existed to set a balance between itself and my being as a Gold Dragon. I may not always feel extremely intense emotions when I am an Aurak Draconian, but I do recognize them as the reason behind this form of mine.

Growing Into My Scales

Discovering the Quoiian Label and Learning to Accept the Gray Areas of Identity

I regularly look into alterhuman and nonhuman terminology to familiarize myself with. It’s not a secret that I’m the studious sort. Although I cannot remember the exact moment that I discovered Quoiian, I can say that discovering this label gave me further clarity on my Draconian species. Beforehand, I never directly referenced my experience as a Draconian and only blanketed it as my anthropomorphic form. Upon discovering this label, I felt a little assured in my feelings as this species.

While my alterhumanity is mostly involuntary, this specific identity of mine exists in its own gray area. Its presence is too abrupt for it to be a copinglink, and its connection to my lived experiences and emotions are too complex for it to be just another kintype.

It was distinctly its own presence within my alterhumanity. As you’ve already learned, it’s also a link between my draconity and my lived experiences on Earth.

This was completely new for me as I’m usually very thorough when it comes to understanding my species. They come about however they do. I look into the possibility of whether or not I’m actually a species, and if I do experience a connection between myself and that species, then I’m made aware that I am in fact that species.

If you’ve read this far into my account, then you already know why my Draconian quoiictype differs from my other fractures.

While this was a new development for me, I did not stress over how that reflected on the rest of my alterhumanity. I am still confident in the fact that most of my alterhumanity exists involuntarily, but I am equally confident in the fact that this specific identity exists outside the scope of voluntary and involuntary experience. I’ve learned from a lot of folks who are either unlabeled or the kind to identify very broadly that sometimes, in-depth descriptors aren’t always required for one’s species. It may be important to some, and there is nothing wrong with that. In contrast, there are plenty of folks who do not live under those circumstances and are more than happy to be that way.

That’s just how identity and community work. A lot of folks are the same, and a lot of folks are nowhere near alike. But, that’s the beauty of it. It’s those little things that truly make a community a community. So why not be a part of it as your most authentic self, whether vaguely or specifically?

I felt like a weight lifted off of my chest as I made my peace with it, especially upon learning about being quoiian. I didn’t have to articulate every single aspect about myself and how it exists within my alterhumanity. I just knew that it was me, and that’s all that mattered.

Closing Statements

I don’t have a grand, lovingly worded conclusion for this piece as I typically do with some of my writings. It took me a very long time to put this post together, but I’m elated to finally air out these feelings of mine. Identity can be tricky. It can be confusing, aggravating and deeply humbling, but it is always worth the introspection. Furthermore, its tougher aspects deserve just as much exploration as the aspects that bring joy. I know I don’t regret doing so for myself!

I still feel this way upon understanding my existence as a Draconian, and I’ve found that it makes the acceptance of identity all the more richer.